Rejection 101
How to Get the Most Out of Hearing “No”
At some point over the course of your personal or professional lives, you’ve heard some version of “no.” It could’ve been a rejection of a business proposal you worked hard on. It could’ve been a rift with a friend or even a no in your romantic life. Regardless of the details, it’s important to continue to evaluate how you respond to rejection — and why.
Whether rejection crushes your self confidence, you bounce back immediately, or you don’t even put yourself in a position to ever feel it, uncovering your natural defense mechanism undoubtedly helps you grow into a stronger leader and person.
The 5 Stages of Rejection
Similar to the 5 stages of grief, rejection follows an arc of emotions. The process begins with denial. For example, after becoming so set on the idea of getting the deal, a promotion, or investor meeting, it can be hard to accept the reality that you didn’t receive it. Then comes anger — anger at your boss, your colleagues, and even yourself. Next is bargaining, where you think you can change someone’s mind, and the situation can be remedied — like maybe you will get the deal after all. After comes depression, and even catastrophizing, when you really feel the painful depths of rejection. Finally, acceptance.
No matter how long you stay at each of these stages, your brain is wired to crave acceptance but just needs time to process and regroup after hearing “no.” Not unlike the different styles of attachment people fall into, there are typically three types of responses to rejection.
Does Rejection Hit You Hard?
If you’re the kind of person who spirals after hearing “no,” you can probably benefit from some self reflection and a greater understanding of the exercise of rejection. We recommend you start by breaking the correlation between what you feel following a rejection and your self worth. Instead of ruminating on the blow of not getting the outcome you hoped for, try looking for a takeaway from the experience. Was there an objection you were asked during a pitch that revealed some improvements you can make to your business model? Are you proud of yourself for talking to someone new, even if the relationship didn’t go further? It’s important to properly grieve what could have been, and it’s equally necessary to take the learnings and move on. Embrace a growth mindset — using your perceived failures to propel yourself forward — and look for a change in your attitude and results.
Does Rejection Barely Phase You?
The word “no” might just be two letters that roll off your back the second you hear them. That’s healthy, right? Not quite. While this can be mistakenly perceived as a helpful trait, it can actually be counterproductive to your personal growth and success. A 2015 report found that many of the emotions that come with interpersonal rejection, including anger and fear, have evolutionary significance as they are meant to protect you from potential threats. Use your body’s natural instincts to guide your response, which in turn lets you learn from the experience. It’s not just about hearing “no” — it’s about uncovering what led to that rejection and what it can inform in the future. By listening for any feedback in rejection, you can know when something isn’t working and when it’s time to pivot. If the road you’re on reaches a dead end, turn the wheel. You’ll be grateful you did.
Do You Avoid Rejection at All Costs?
Nobody likes rejection. Rejection is unpleasant and can be a painful experience, so it might seem easier to avoid it all together. If you identify as a perfectionist, this might explain why you don’t start intimidating projects or put yourself out there in the first place. However, like most situations in life, this avoidance is doing more harm than good. Sure, if you never put yourself out there, you can’t be rejected. But by avoiding “no,” you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to hear “yes.” Your physical health also relates to your action or inaction. A study shows that individuals who are more sensitive to physical pain are also more sensitive to social pain. People with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can also be prone to hypersensitivity in interpersonal relationships. By attributing your response to a biological cause, you can move past feelings of blame and start trying more. If you never go for the new role, start the company, try to raise capital, or try to date, it will never happen.
Ultimately, the resilience built through rejection is worth the pain and discomfort that comes with it. By identifying your innate reactions and shifting your mindset, you can continue pursuing your goals and benefit from the redirection of rejection.
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