Why is Change So Damn Hard?
Knowledge without action is just information. So, when is real change actually possible?
TLDR: Knowledge is never enough to actually change behavior. Instead, change requires a hyper tailored approach to real growth. You just have to get started.
You can listen to the full audio version of this post by clicking on the recording below:
When people find out what I do, the question that I always get asked is, “Can people really change?” My answer is always yes, but I also say that change is tricky.
Growing up, my mom taught college level courses on public health and behavior change theory. As a kid I remember sitting in the front row of her classroom and during her lectures, she used to say, “knowledge does not equal behavior.” These one-liners permeated our home, especially when I got in trouble for something. At 8 years old, lectures about knowledge and behavior didn’t always make sense to me, but I would nod and take it at face value to avoid getting into any more trouble than I was already in. It wasn’t until starting my work as an executive coach that I really came to understand the complexity of that statement.
Behavior change is tricky.
Why is it that most well-informed, brilliant leaders can build companies out of nothing, raise millions in capital, and persuade large audiences of customers to buy stuff, but the hardest time controlling their facial expressions in meeting? How can they struggle to get in 30 minutes of exercise just to stay up late every night to crank out hours of emails? How can they strategically influence discerning investors just to lose their cool in front of the team?
The theories about behavior change are endless. Some believe that behavior can change with knowledge alone like the classic behaviorists. Think Pavlov’s dogs. The more modern theories believe that some combination of knowledge, desire, perceived risk and benefits, and intrinsic motivation is the key. Even current ideas from authors like James Clear’s book, Atomic Habits makes the case for habit stacking on 1% improvements each day. The only thing anyone can seem to agree on is that behavior change is tricky because humans are complicated.
From the moment you are born–and even before you are born–you’re exposed to all kinds of things that have shaped you. Things like celebrations, fears, the love and encouragement you’ve felt from a caregiver, or the words some kid said to you on the playground. These are all lived-experiences that molded you over get coded into your cells. It’s Mother Nature’s way of programming your brain and body to keep you safe and protected, well after your environment changes.
The right question isn’t if people can change. Of course they can. The theories around change are insufficient, not because they are wrong, but because there is no such thing as a silver bullet. Change doesn’t come from one tip or trick. There isn’t a “proven method.” There might be evidence-based methods but it’s not a guarantee. Change comes from a hyper-adaptive approach that has to be tailored to you and evolves with you as you evolve.
The better question to ask isn’t if people can change, it’s “how do humans grow?” And that answer is actually simple: practice.
Real change takes growth.
It’s not a hack or a habit stack. Growth and long-term, permanent change takes work a lot of work. It’s that hard inner work and discomfort that often stirs up those same feelings that you’ve probably worked just as hard to avoid. But where do you start?
As we’ve said, knowledge does not equal behavior, but behavior can’t ever change without knowledge.
These days we hear a lot of new-age words like manifestation and embodiment — as if change is something that happens by magic. But when you break down those words, you can start to understand how they all fit together in a simple framework:
Understanding (thinking without doing)
Practice (thinking before doing)
Integration (thinking while doing)
Embodiment (doing without thinking)
What does that mean?
Understanding: The spiritual connotation aside, manifestation is really just knowledge. It’s consciously setting an intention for what you want, which requires the knowledge of the thing you want in the first place. That knowledge means that you have to have a base level understanding of the thing you are seeking. But understanding does not mean you’ve taken any action yet. That’s where practice comes in.
Practice introduces action—it’s the active “trying” part of change. It’s when you have to actively think about what you want to do, then do it, then think about it again. It’s reflective and almost like a mini cycle between understanding and practice that is a critical first step to change. But just because you try, doesn’t mean you’ll stick the landing the first time. You can to keep trying until it starts to integrate.
Integration: Often we talk about integration like osmosis, like it’s something that will just seep into you. But integration takes effort and action and it is distinctly different from practice. If practice is the action that comes after thinking, integration is the action that comes while thinking. Its meta. Have you ever had that experience when you start doing the thing you’re thinking about, while doing it and continue thinking about it in the moment? That’s the action of integration — an effort to converge the thinking and doing; converge the behavior and the knowledge.
Embodiment - Finally, through the process of understanding, reflective practice, and active integration knowledge can become a new automatic behavior. And it is only in that automatic behavior, when the doing happens without thinking that it truly becomes natural, organic and embodied.
This is the framework in which we think about change at Congruent Leadership. The hard reality is that nobody can for you. But if you think it, and start to do it, you can leverage the momentum you’ve built to embody a new behavior that once looked very different on you.
Change is hard but growth is possible.
We’re obsessed with helping you grow and we love feedback. Leave a comment below, DM us or reach out anytime at hello@congruentleadership.com or schedule a complimentary intro call to explore our executive coaching offerings.
Don’t forget to follow us on social media @congruentleadership or check out more resources on our website.
Julia, I appreciate how you break down the four-pillar framework. The examples provided were extremely helpful, allowing me to reflect on my own leadership practices.